Sooo… get this! I’m out doing my usual peaceful morning walk. You know… the birds are chirping, the dew is dewing, and I’m feeling like the absolute picture of health.
Well… kinda sorta anyway. I mean, I probably shouldn’t have inhaled that donut first. But other than that, I’m basically a wellness influencer at this point. Just saying… 🤷😜
Then I pass the woods… you know, the spooky wooky woods.
Suddenly, the peaceful silence is shattered by a sound straight out of a horror movie!
Yeah, It wasn’t a cute little chirp. It wasn’t leaves rustling. Noooo… It was a full-on, blood-curdling, soul-snatching, “update your will immediately” BANSHEE SHRIEK!
My brain skipped right over every logical explanation and landed on only two possibilities: It was either a Victorian ghost seeking revenge, or a local axe murderer doing his morning warm-up stretches.
I don’t know… but either way, I wasn’t sticking around for the sequel!
My brain instantly screamed, “THIS IS IT! THIS IS HOW WE DIE… IN OUR MAWASHIS!”
Yeah, I know… wearing a mawashi for morning walks tends to alarm the neighbors. But don’t judge me! They’re comfortable… and surprisingly aerodynamic. 😜
Okay, I actually don’t wear mawashis… but for some reason they popped in my head while writing this story. Yeah, don’t ask… Lol!
Anyway, let me tell you… I have NEVER moved that fast in my entire life. I mean, I didn’t just run… I broke the sound barrier!
Yeah, I bypassed “jog” and went straight to “teleportation”!
Now, anyone who knows me, knows I normally walk at the speed of continental drift. If a turtle passes me, I usually congratulate him on his hustle. But not this morning!
I came flying into the house in a cloud of dust, gasping for air, clutching my chest, and mentally dividing up my pizza collection in my last will and testament.
I burst through the door and dramatically recount my harrowing near-death experience to my daughter.
I’m describing the haunted woods…
The demonic entity…
The bone-chilling scream…
The overwhelming certainty that I had narrowly escaped becoming the opening scene of a true-crime documentary!
Naturally, I’m expecting sympathy. Maybe a hug. Perhaps even a recommendation to move. Instead… she just looks at me… completely deadpan… and says,”Dad… you heard a fox.” 🤦😂
Wait… wut!? 🤔 A FOX?!
You mean that adorable little orange fluffball from children’s books? The woodland creature that’s supposed to go, “Yip! Yip!”
Apparently… NOBODY told me that foxes don’t actually sound cute. Nope! They sound like a demon getting an unexpected chiropractic adjustment in the depths of the underworld!
Sooo… yeah… I wasn’t nearly murdered by a ghost. I wasn’t chased by an axe murderer. I was absolutely, completely, and thoroughly bamboozled by a forest puppy with severe anger issues!
Well, next time I want cardio… I’m avoiding the spooky wooky woods. Or at the very least… I’m bringing the donut as a distraction.
Crock’s Thoughts 