Do you think humans will ever colonize Mars? What would life there actually look like?
Okay, ummm… I’ll tell you a little secret about my real day job. But you need to promise not to tell anyone. 🤫 You see, I’m a time-machine pilot. Yeah, I know… cool, right?
Sooo… I used to have this really sweet time machine that my partner Doc and I built. It was a beautiful DeLorean—comfortable seats, stainless steel body, and a ride smoother than a pizza delivery on an empty highway. Life was good! We were zipping through history, accidentally bumping into famous people, and trying very hard not to step on butterflies or mess up the space-time continuum. You know… normal Tuesday stuff!
Then one day, Doc goes behind my back and lands some big Hollywood deal. Apparently, he sold the whole idea for a little movie called Back to the Future or something. I don’t know… never heard of it. 🙄 Next thing I know, he’s famous, I’m broke, and my DeLorean is gone!
So what does a struggling time traveler do? He buys a bargain-bin gyro-copter time machine. Sure, it doesn’t have a flux capacitor or doors that open upward. It mostly rattles, leaks oil, and sounds like a lawn mower having a panic attack. But hey, it gets me through time… eventually. Assuming the duct tape holds.
However, I tell ya… time travel isn’t all futuristic sightseeing and preventing historical blunders. In fact, most days, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t accidentally erase my own birth or end up in a timeline where everyone’s a cat… or something.
I mean, first the paradoxes. Oh, the paradoxes… I once spent an entire week explaining to my grandfather that I was not, in fact, a Soviet spy sent to steal his secret pancake recipe.
Ugh… and don’t get me started on time-machine maintenance, too. You think your mechanic is expensive? Try finding replacement temporal displacement coils during the Black Death! I mean, those people don’t social distance either! Yuck!
Plus, the paperwork alone is a nightmare! Do you know how hard it is to get a W-2 from 18th-century France? I mean, heck! I was just trying not to lose my head over the whole guillotine situation! 😳
The only reason I showed up was because I thought the French queen said there was cake. Apparently, the peasants were not exactly thrilled about her customer service skills… or something. 🤷♂️😂
Either way, I quickly learned the French Revolution wasn’t all French fries, fancy pastries, and “ooh la la.” It was mostly angry mobs, bad political reviews, and a very sharp lesson in why you should read the fine print before traveling through time. Lol!
And the jetlag! It’s on another level when you’re constantly swapping time zones that aren’t even on the same continent, or planet, sometimes. My body still thinks it’s lunchtime in Victorian London, even though it’s technically Tuesday in present-day Mars.
Speaking of Mars… do I think we’ll travel there? Well, absolutely! How do I know? Because I may have accidentally taken my discount gyro-copter time machine there a few centuries ahead. Don’t ask me how the warranty covered future time travel. I’m still arguing with the customer service representative from the year 3127. So yes, humans do make it to the Red Planet, and I have to say, the view is pretty incredible.
However, I gotta tell ya… I’m a tad concerned about the whole “leaving Earth gravity behind” thing. I’ve seen what reduced gravity does to the human body, and let’s just say your muscles and bones are not exactly throwing a pizza party over the situation.
Sure, Mars has about a third of Earth’s gravity, which sounds fun at first… well, until you realize dropping your car keys might send them into next Tuesday. But hey, we humans are stubborn little creatures. We crossed oceans, flew to the Moon, and apparently thought, “You know what sounds like a great vacation? A cold, dusty planet where a simple walk requires a billion-dollar space suit.” And somehow… we make it work.
But, you know, all this time traveling has its moments. I once took a selfie with Abraham Lincoln, and another time I got to witness the actual signing of the Declaration of Independence. Talk about a historic photobomb!
So, you know… time travel has its perks and all. I mean, I’ve seen the rise and fall of empires, witnessed the future of humanity, and even discovered that Mars eventually gets a few very unhappy tourists. But I guess you could say my work is a bit… you know, time-consuming. 😜
Crock’s Thoughts 