Crock’s Thoughts

If I had the power—like, Jurassic Park meets Back to the Future—to bring back one dinosaur, I wouldn’t waste it on some overrated drama queen like T. Rex or a spiky-tailed Ankylosaurus. Nah, we’re going deep into the fossil record here. I’m talking about a majestic, cheese-powered apex predator that roamed the Late Greasaceous period… the Pizzasaurus Rex!

I know, I know… you’re probably scratching your head thinking, “Wait… is that real?”

And to that I say, “Yes! While, yes, it is!” Well, technically, no. But I did take one dinosaur class in college—big shoutout to Dinosaurs 101—and I majored in Anthropology. So, I’m basically an expert in all ancient lizard-related things and other history stuff. Now, add to that my honorary PhD in Pizzaology—self-awarded, based on a lifetime of field research involving pepperoni—and you can trust that my findings are solid. 😜

Now, let me tell you a bit about this glorious, misunderstood creature. The Pizzasaurus Rex was a 40 ft long, deep-dish-devouring beast with mozzarella-slicked claws and a nasal cavity perfectly evolved to detect stuffed crust from up to 12 miles away.

Paleontologists have not found a fossil yet because the Pizzasaurus had one major weakness: It smelled like pizza… duh! That’s right, cavemen just couldn’t resist these tastiest of dinos.

Contrary to popular belief, the Pizzasaurus did not roam in packs. It roamed in what scientists call a “Delivery Range.” This was roughly a 30-minute radius, beyond which the creature would become irritable and demand a coupon code.

It’s believed the Pizzasaurus built its nest out of breadsticks and incubated its young under the warmth of marinara volcanoes. I can’t prove any of that, but again—Anthropology degree! You gotta trust my smarts on these facts.

So, why bring it back? Well, first of all, because science needs this. Secondly, because imagine the possibilities: Instead of T. Rex at the Natural History Museum, we’d have a three-ton animatronic Pizzasaurus that shoots Parmesan dust from its nostrils during educational presentations.

Every Friday becomes National Pizzasaurus Awareness Day. And it ends all debates about dinner plans forever.

“What do you feel like?”

“Duh… Pizzasaurus!”

Also, I feel like the Pizzasaurus Rex could unite divided households. It has the meat-lovers tail, the veggie belly, the gluten-free option if you look behind the left femur. It’s an inclusive dino. A peace offering from the past. A saucy olive branch with extra mozzarella.

Sure, you could bring back a raptor or a triceratops. But do you really want to spend your time dodging claws and horns when you could be catching hot slices in the breeze of ancient pizza wind?

As a proud Pizzaologist and occasional dinosaur-knower, I stand firm: The Pizzasaurus Rex is the hero we need!

And when the Smithsonian finally opens its “Deep Dish Discovery” wing, just know… I called it first!