What would you change about modern society?
So, if I were Supreme Overlord of Modern Society—a title I’ve been subtly campaigning for by yelling at traffic from my driver’s seat—my very first decree would be bold, clear, and enforced with the full weight of the law: Thou shalt not drive slow in the fast lane!
I mean, come on! We’ve invented space travel, robot dogs, and waffle irons that play Bluetooth jazz—yet somehow, this menace still plagues our highways? It’s 2025, people. There’s no excuse for cruising in the left lane like you’re on a Sunday scenic tour of Nebraska when I’m behind you channeling NASCAR energy and whispering profanities at the steering wheel.
Honestly, this should have been written into the Bill of Rights. Right after “freedom of speech” and “right to bear arms,” there should’ve been: “And the right of every citizen to not be stuck behind Mildred doing 47 in a 70 in the passing lane shall not be infringed.”
The Founding Fathers missed a golden opportunity. Can you imagine George Washington on horseback, getting stuck behind a slow-moving ox cart in the express hay lane? He’d lose his powdered wig. Thomas Jefferson would’ve penned an angry pamphlet titled “A Modest Proposal for Ye Expulsion of Wagon-Crawlers.”
“But Brian,” you say, “what if they’re just nervous drivers?”
Perfect! Then they can nervously merge into the right lane like the rest of us do when we’re having a midlife crisis and a minivan just cut us off going 90 mph.
Here’s my plan for reform:
- First offense: You get a warning and a mandatory class on the purpose of lanes.
- Second offense: Your car automatically plays Baby Shark on a loop at full volume until you merge right.
- Third offense: We catapult your car gently, but firmly, into a “Slow Lane Offenders Island” where the speed limit is 30 mph, and everyone must drive with their blinker on… forever!
Now, I’m not asking for much… just a little efficiency. A little sanity. And the ability to get home without considering interpretive dance as a way to express my road rage.
So, let’s rise up. Let’s reclaim the fast lane for the fast. For the punctual. For the caffeine-fueled warriors just trying to make it to work before the third meeting of the day. We deserve better! We deserve freedom! We deserve a society that enforces the sacred right to pass without restraint!
Founding Fathers, consider this my formal amendment proposal. Right after the one about outlawing pineapple on pizza—but that’s a blog for another day.
Crock’s Thoughts 